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The Urge to Purge
By Maggie Morgan
Greetings from Hoboken! I hope you're all busily engaged with becoming the woman you want to be. I'll try in this space to offer you some assistance and encouragement, because although I don't know you personally, you are my sisters and we should come to each other's aid whenever we can. I am, at present, in the process of preparing to live full-time as a female and perhaps some of the experiences I've had may help make your lives a little easier.
I'm going to start off by uttering one of the most frightening words in the vocabulary of any man. It's something we rarely discuss with each other or anyone else, yet every one of us knows it lurks just around the corner.
The Purge.
If you've been dressing for any length of time, you've known the feeling. The sense of euphoria and wholeness that comes with discovering your female self dissolves into fear, disgust, self-hatred, and then... the purge. Everything goes. The wigs, the $100 shoes, the corsets, everything You can't bundle your stuff up fast enough, you're so repelled by the monster you have become. You don't even want to donate the goodies to the Salvation Army because you don't want to be associated with such "filth." So it all goes in the dumpster; you feel cleansed and relieved... until the feeling crops up again.
When people talk about how costly crossdressing can be, the cost of purging is a big part of it. I've gone through two purges in 17 years of actively exploring my femininity. The first came after I was betrayed by some GG's who I had believed were supportive. They tried to convince me that I was simply sublimating my desire for a girlfriend and since my self-confidence was particularly fragile, I bought the argument. Never mind that I was very unhappy after purging. It's the thought that counts. The second time was the result of poor health and too much alcohol; a potent combination designed to destroy anyone's commitment.
For several years afterward I actually managed to convince myself that I'd done the right thing So how do you prevent the urge to purge? I'm reminded of an ad I saw many years ago from a service that offered to store your female clothes for you, "...because we know and you know that you'll be back!" That's the key. You're a tran and you'll always be a tran. Be it a matter of genetics, or hormones, or the way you were raised, you cannot, will not be whole unless you can express your feminine side.
What's more, it's all right! There's no edict on Earth that says you have to be either male or female and nothing in between. All of humanity is one gigantic grey area. Ask the GG who feels most comfortable in flannel shirts and slacks or the "macho man" who wears silk shirts and semi-sheer nylon socks. They like the feeling. And you like the feeling of being able to shed your skin and assume another, softer self.
Accept what you are, and that you like it, then the need to bury your female self simply won't arise. When I first started appearing in public as Maggie, I told people, "I'm not a fake anything. I'm a real me." The intervening years have only strengthened that feeling and today I am one happy ban. You can be happy too, if you accept yourself. And soon, you'll find yourself purging the word 'purge' instead of your wardrobe.
Take care, and be beautiful,
Love, Maggie
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