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Walk in his Shoes (or Heels!)
By Dixie
I think what I am about to relate may in some way help those that are less than comfortable with their significant other's crossdressing.
We have a 13 year old son who is adopted. Now my son was adopted at birth; we do not know his birth father, and he was not introduced to ‘P’ (my husband who crossdresses) until he was 8 years old. He has never met ‘Becca’, but has seen my husband wearing a night gown as his male self.
Many of the SO's may think that being a crossdresser is a choice or a fetish, and something that will go away. What I am about to relate to you may bring all this into perspective for you a bit, I hope.
Like I’ve said, my son has NEVER seen 'Becca' dressed, and is not even aware of what crossdressing is all about. At about 3 years old I remember him seeing a beautiful party dress at a yard sale and saying to me “Mommy can I have this?” Now this was pre Becca, and up until I met Becca, I knew nothing myself about crossdressers. And up until I met Becca, I never gave it (him wanting a party dress) another thought.
In the last couple of years we have found stashes of nylons, bras, panties and for some odd reason my husband’s grey tube socks hidden in his room. I know for a fact, since he has never met Becca that he is not trying to emulate what he has seen. I truly believe that this is a part of who he is, and a need within him, just like it is within any crossdresser; something he was born with and will live with the rest of his life.
What I would like you to think about is this... IF your husband was not a crossdresser, if you knew nothing about crossdressing, and you had a son that showed such tendencies, what would you do? Would you shun him? Would you force him to stop? Would you deny this part of him? Or would you, because of your love for your child, try to understand what he is going through and support him in any way you can? What if your son was gay? Would you treat him any differently than you have all of his life or would you still love him as you always have? A person does not turn gay any more than a crossdresser decides to become a crossdresser. It is not something you 'catch', it is not something that you wake up one morning and say “Hey, I think I'll be gay”, or “Hey, I think I will be a crossdresser”. IT is something that is within them, something that has always been there from birth, something that will NOT go away; a part of who they are as a person.
Think about this... your husband was that child at one time, scared, alone and thinking he was sick for the feelings he had; the need to dress in girls clothing. It is not something he chose to do. Most likely if it could go away he would wish it to do so, because of his love for you and the struggles he is seeing within you since confiding his secret to you. It takes a LOT of courage to reveal this other self to ANYONE in a crossdresser’s life. It carries a LOT of guilt with it, because in society, it is not considered normal. In many cases the significant other feels lied to, and I can understand that, but it was not something he wanted to lie about. It is something he most likely felt he needed to keep to himself to avoid losing you!
Many of you that are struggling with this now have been married many, many years. Think back to what life was like, (not just your life but life at the time in general) back then when you were first married. There was no internet, there were no doctors that understood this, there was NO ONE for him to talk to! He felt alone, confused and thought he was the only one with these feelings. The last thing he wanted to do was lose the one person in his life he cared about by trying to explain to her something he himself did not understand. NOW with the internet, doctors becoming more aware, and people, such as the members of online groups, to talk to, he is feeling more secure. He took the step to share his secret with you, hoping because of your love for him, and his love for you, the two of you could now share this part of him that has been there all along. There, through out your lifetime together. There, even though you never knew it, but there, none the less, a part of the core of who he is; a part of him that you fell in love with.
For those SO's that worry that their husband may be gay, rest assured that a very small percentage of crossdressers are gay. If you will think about it this way it may help you understand why. What are gay men attracted to? Women? No, they are attracted to other men, so in most cases why would a man who is gay dress as a woman to attract another gay man? Just because he is a crossdresser and likes wearing women’s clothing, does not mean he will suddenly after 20 odd years of marriage turn gay on you, so put that worry out of your head.
My point is, put yourself in your husband’s place 20, 30, 40 even 50 odd years ago. Imagine in your mind you are a young boy of 3 years old, 8 years old, or 13 years old and have this uncontrollable urge to put on your mothers hose, bra or dress. Try to imagine the thoughts that are rushing through your young mind. Imagine the guilt, the confusion and the shame you feel. Imagine keeping this secret ALL your adult life. Sharing it with no one, not even your life partner, living in fear of being caught, fear because you thought you were not normal, and perhaps even beaten by your parents in an attempt to 'make it go away' when they found out. Be thankful that he did not take the road that some have, and ended his life because he could not live with this secret any longer. Be thankful he is there now, beside you, loving you, opening his self up to you.
I am fortunate, as I have Becca in my life. Without her I would have never known about crossdressing. I would have never known that my own son is a crossdresser. I would not have the knowledge to help him understand that it is OK, that no matter what, I love him unconditionally and will always be here for him, just as I will always be here for Becca.
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